Parenting Pre-teens

Title: Raising Pre-Teens in a Hyper-Connected World: Parenting in the Age of Screens, Speed, and Social Media

By Donna D Groves, LCSW

The pre-teen years—roughly ages 9 to 12—are a time of tremendous change. Kids are not quite children, but not yet teenagers. Their bodies, minds, and emotions are rapidly evolving. Now layer on top of that a world where technology is not only ever-present but deeply embedded in how they learn, play, communicate, and even develop their identities.

Welcome to parenting in the digital age.

As a parent, it can feel like you’re trying to catch your breath in a race you never signed up for. New apps, games, platforms, trends—it’s a whirlwind. But the goal isn’t to keep up with every trend or to eliminate tech from your child’s life. The goal is to raise thoughtful, grounded, and emotionally intelligent humans who can thrive in a world that isn’t slowing down.

Here’s how.

1. Accept That Technology Is Here to Stay—Then Lead with Values

There’s no going back to rotary phones and VHS tapes. Pre-teens today are digital natives, and tech is part of their academic, social, and recreational worlds.

So instead of demonizing technology, use it as a teaching tool. Discuss values like empathy, kindness, honesty, and safety—and how those values apply online just as much as offline. What would kindness look like in a group chat? What does honesty mean when creating a social media profile? Frame conversations around character rather than just rules.

2. Connection Before Correction

Pre-teens are beginning to crave independence, but they still need connection and guidance. Rather than jumping straight into restrictions or punishments, focus first on building trust.

Create space for open-ended conversations. Ask them what they like about a new app or game. Listen with curiosity, not judgment. When kids feel seen and heard, they’re more likely to respect your boundaries—and come to you when something goes wrong.

3. Set Boundaries That Flex, Not Fracture

It’s tempting to go all-or-nothing: “No screens after 8 PM!” or “Delete TikTok or else!” But rigid rules often backfire. Instead, co-create boundaries with your child that evolve as they grow.

Some ideas:

• Establish tech-free zones (like the dinner table or bedroom at night).

• Use screen time as a privilege that’s balanced with responsibilities.

• Encourage “slow tech” time: playing music, editing a video, writing a blog—creativity over consumption.

Most importantly, explain the why behind each boundary. Kids are more likely to respect limits they understand.

4. Teach Digital Literacy and Emotional Intelligence Side-by-Side

Pre-teens may be tech-savvy, but they’re still learning how to manage emotions, assess risks, and navigate relationships. Digital literacy isn’t just about knowing how to use technology—it’s about understanding what they’re consuming and how it affects them.

Talk about:

• Misinformation and how to question sources.

• The difference between online persona and real life.

• How likes and followers can influence self-worth—and how to stay grounded.

Pair these conversations with emotional literacy. Help them name what they’re feeling, validate those feelings, and explore healthy coping tools—online and offline.

5. Model What You Want to See

This one stings a little—but it’s true: our kids are always watching. If we constantly scroll at the dinner table, multitask during conversations, or react emotionally to news online, they learn that behavior.

Show them what mindful tech use looks like:

• Put your phone away during family time.

• Talk about your own media habits and limits.

• Admit when you’ve made a tech mistake—and what you learned from it.

Modeling isn’t about perfection; it’s about authenticity and growth.

6. Make Room for Boredom, Wonder, and Nature

One of the biggest casualties of constant connectivity is imagination. Pre-teens need downtime. They need boredom. They need to stare at the clouds, doodle in the margins, and wonder about the world.

Don’t overschedule every minute. Leave space for unstructured play, nature walks, or creative hobbies that don’t involve screens. These moments build resilience, self-reflection, and a sense of inner richness that no algorithm can replicate.

Final Thoughts: Parenting for the Long Game

You won’t always get it right. Neither will your kids. But that’s okay.

The most powerful thing you can give your pre-teen isn’t perfect tech boundaries or airtight rules—it’s a deep, steady relationship rooted in trust, communication, and love.

In this fast-moving world, your presence is the anchor. Your voice, the compass.

And that matters more than any screen ever could.